"I Want My Demon Lover Back"
Author: Dolores Labouchere
E-mail: dolores_l@hotmail.com
Summary: Willow goes on Jerry Springer to get Oz back.
Pairings: Too many to mention – but involves both m/m and f/f slash
Spoilers: Large chunks from all of BtVS season 3, and season 4 up to and including "Who Are You", and first season of Angel. I’m not exactly sure when it’s set, probably around about "Who Are You."
Rating: PG-13 for slashy situations and language
Distribution: UCSL, OzSlash, otherwise just ask
Disclaimer: The characters are, but of course, the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kuzui Productions, etc. etc. etc. and I have no wish to in any way impinge upon that copyright.
Notes: This is a response to Simon Michaels’ challenge to do a Buffy/Jerry Springer crossover fic. I’ve done it in script form, it just seemed easier that way, and I should say that I’ve not seen Jerry that often so if anything seems to be wrong, it probably is. I’m a little (very?) nasty to Buffy, so sorry to any B fans. Dedicated to Michael for coming up with the idea, and all the trailer trash that made Jerry Springer possible. Oh, and in case it isn’t the cultural icon in the States as it is here, a mullet is a really awful hairstyle that men can get that is basically short on top and shoulder-length at the back.
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
- Dorothy Parker
***
Scene: The set of "Jerry Springer".
The show has just begun, and JERRY SPRINGER is standing in the midst of The
AUDIENCE, hair immaculately coiffed, microphone at the ready. His blue eyes
twinkle behind his circular glasses, and he beams at the camera. Around him,
the AUDIENCE are whooping hysterically, and chanting their mantra.
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Hi there! (to audience) Thank you, thank you. (to camera) Welcome to
the Jerry Springer show (audience go crazy again, and JERRY is forced to shush
them again). OK, OK. Now, we've got an interesting show today. It's a simple
story. Girl meets boy, boy meets girl, girl goes out with boy, boy turns out
to be a demon, boy leaves. But today, we've got one girl who wants her demon
lover back. Let's meet... Willow!
The audience applaud and cheer. We cut to a shot of WILLOW ROSENBURG, a young
woman of about 19, with dyed red hair, wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt and a long
skirt. She appears to be a little unsure, but is doing her best to appear confident.
WILLOW: Hi, Jerry.
A panel appears beneath her which reads, "Willow: Wants her Demon Lover Back."
JERRY: So, Willow, tell us what happened.
WILLOW: (pushes her hair behind her ear) Uh, well, I started dating Oz…
JERRY: (interrupting) Your ex.
WILLOW: Yeah. I started dating him in High School. He was really sweet, y’know, and he was a werewolf, sure, but…
The AUDIENCE groan in shock.
JERRY: (interrupting again) A werewolf? So he’s not actually a demon. But was he bad, did he bite people?
WILLOW: (waves her hands to indicate that OZ was not bad) No, no. He locked himself up at the full moon. He never hurt anybody. (pauses) Except me (she starts to mist up).
JERRY: Go on.
WILLOW: It was difficult sometimes, you know (her hand goes up to push back her hair again), like when he’d hear a whistle he’d want to round something up. We could never go near a soccer pitch…
JERRY: (putting on his "concerned" face) And what changed?
WILLOW: (her lips trembling) Well, we went to college, and that was, you know, good. But then he met another werewolf. A girl werewolf (a single tear trickles down her cheek).
There are boos from the AUDIENCE and gasps of outrage.
JERRY: He was… with this girl werewolf?
WILLOW nods, unable to speak.
JERRY: And is he still seeing this girl werewolf?
WILLOW: Oh, no, she tried to kill me so he ripped her throat out. It was sorta romantic. But after he did he said he needed to (in a disgusted tone) go and find himself, and he left me and drove off in his van… (she trails off, and there are more gasps from the AUDIENCE). But, Jerry, I want him back.
JERRY: (rests his chin on his hand) What would you tell Oz if he were here?
WILLOW: Uh, (to camera, tears rolling down her cheeks) Oz, I love you, and, you know, I forgive you for what happened with Veruca. Come back, Oz, please.
JERRY: (wearing a smirk) Willow, what if we told you that Oz was here?
WILLOW puts her hand to her mouth, feigning "shock".
WILLOW: (looks about) Is he really here?!
JERRY: (to AUDIENCE) Do we really want to meet Oz?
AUDIENCE: (in chorus) YES! (they applaud and cheer wildly)
JERRY: (throwing arm up as he speaks) OK, let's meet Oz!
A door to the side opens, and a young man nervously wanders onto the stage.
He is OZ, WILLOW's ex. He wears a pair of baggy pants, and a Hawaiian shirt.
His hair is dyed a blue-black colour and he wears a silver ring in his ear.
He takes up the seat next to WILLOW, who takes his hand excitedly. He gives
her a weak smile.
AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss! Boo!
WILLOW moves to kiss OZ. He draws back, not letting her lips touch his. The AUDIENCE goes into a frenzy, several members standing up, all throwing abuse at OZ.
JERRY: OK, OK, everyone calm down (the AUDIENCE subsides a little) C’mon, let’s
hear him out (the AUDIENCE calms down enough so that JERRY can continue. He
then affects a disapproving look) So, Oz, what do you have to say for yourself?
The camera cuts to OZ. Underneath him appears the caption "Oz - Willow's werewolf
ex-lover who cheated on her with a female werewolf whom he then slaughtered
in cold blood."
OZ: (glances at WILLOW, then looks at JERRY) It wasn’t like that, Jerry. I heard what Willow said. But you have to understand that it wasn’t me who cheated on Willow. It was the werewolf.
JERRY: (amidst skeptical groans from the AUDIENCE) You aren’t in control when you’re a wolf?
OZ: No, it’s all animal instinct. I would never have cheated on Willow with Veruca as a human. (looks a little guilty) And she has cheated on me.
The AUDIENCE reacts. JERRY raises an eyebrow. WILLOW squeaks.
OZ: I walked in on her kissing one of our friends, Xander – his girlfriend caught them too.
More jeers, this time directed at WILLOW, come from the AUDIENCE. WILLOW, mouth agape, shakes her head frantically.
JERRY: And did she sleep with… (checks his cue card) Xander?
OZ: I don’t know… she says that they didn’t.
WILLOW: I didn’t, really I didn’t. It was a moment of weakness. (to OZ) And how dare you bring this up again. You forgave me…
OZ: All I meant was that you weren’t entirely innocent in all this, Willow. I’m not the bad guy.
WILLOW: (angry now) It hardly compares! I walked in to find you curled up naked with that bitch!
The AUDIENCE scream in shock.
OZ: But I had no control over what I did when I was wolfy!
WILLOW: Yeah, that’s what you say. But you locked her in the same cage as you. You knew what would happen.
There are more whoops from the AUDIENCE. OZ moves to respond, but is interrupted by JERRY.
JERRY: OK, OK, everyone settle down. Before we get too sidetracked, Oz, there was a reason that you were brought here today. Willow, you have something to say to Oz?
WILLOW: (looks confused for a second) Oh, yeah. (pushes her hair back again) Uh, Oz, I’ve missed you, and uh, I want you back. I love you, and I don’t want to not be with you. So, you know, let’s get back together. And, uh, I forgive you for that whole Veruca thing. (pauses, a little reproachful) Well, mostly.
OZ looks a little stunned (well, for OZ), and says nothing. Before he can respond, JERRY jumps in again.
JERRY: Well, Oz, before you give Willow an answer, we’ve got someone else who has something to tell you. Let’s meet Xander.
Another figure moves onto the stage. It is XANDER HARRIS, WILLOW’s best friend. He wears jeans and a checked shirt. The AUDIENCE once again begins to cheer, although it is unclear whether or not they like XANDER; they are unable to decide. He takes a seat at the other side of OZ from WILLOW, who gives him a worried look.
JERRY: Xander, you’re a friend of both Willow and Oz, right?
XANDER: Yeah.
The caption, "XANDER: Waster friend of Willow who cheated on his girlfriend with her," appears.
JERRY: And she knows everything
about you?
XANDER: Pretty much.
JERRY: But today, you've got a confession to make to Willow, haven't you?
XANDER: (nervous) Yeah... you know that I kissed Willow when she was seeing
Oz before...
AUDIENCE: Boo!
XANDER: ...and that Oz and my girlfriend, Cordelia, walked in and saw us both...
AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!
XANDER: ... well, uh, I wasn't kissing Willow because I really wanted to...
AUDIENCE: Gasp!
WILLOW looks panicked, OZ raises an eyebrow, and JERRY smirks. XANDER pauses,
possibly because he can't believe he's about to say what he is going to, or
possibly for dramatic tension. WILLOW jumps in.
WILLOW: Xander, you didn't... you don't... like me?
XANDER: Well, sure I do, but I was frenching you because I wanted you and Oz
to break up. Because I wanted Oz. (to OZ) Oz, forget about Willow, she's a witchy,
skanky ho. I can make you happy. I love you, take me!
The AUDIENCE go crazy as you would expect. WILLOW bursts into tears, OZ raises
his other eyebrow, and JERRY continues to smirk. The AUDIENCE eventually settles
down.
JERRY: (aside to camera) I don't think they were expecting *that*.
WILLOW: (still sobbing) Oz! You love me, I'm your girlfriend, you can't choose
him!
OZ opens his mouth to try to get a word in but is once again interrupted by
JERRY.
JERRY: Actually, now that you mention it, we do have someone else that thinks
Willow is their girlfriend...
WILLOW: Eep!
JERRY: Let's meet... Tara!
A girl walks out from the side of the stage. TARA, for it is she, head down,
and trying desperately to avoid the camera, slopes onto the stage. The AUDIENCE,
predictably lose all control once more when they realise that WILLOW is also
seeing TARA. JERRY smirks. OZ looks confused, and XANDER gasps. She takes a
seat at WILLOW's side, and takes the other Wicca's hand. WILLOW stiffens slightly,
but doesn't pull away. JERRY shushes the AUDIENCE again.
JERRY: Tara, hi.
TARA: (head still down so that her hair covers her face) Uh, hey.
JERRY: What is it you would like to say to Willow, Tara?
TARA: (looks up at WILLOW) You know, like, I was, um, kinda hopin' that me and
you would be an item, y’know. Like, we’ve done Wicca – (to audience) that’s
like, magic – (to Willow again) stuff and there’s a connection, you know it’s
there. And we’ve sat together naked for like, a half dozen rituals, and you
always stare. (pauses, taking a deep breath) Willow, will you marry me?
WILLOW: (glances at OZ, who shrugs) Well, I do really like Oz, and uh, I…
She trails off only for TARA to grab her and kiss her. The AUDIENCE reacts in typical fashion, several shouting, ‘You GO girl!," some of the men leer and others adopt expressions of disgust. WILLOW does nothing for a moment then responds to the kiss and the two snog passionately. XANDER is agape, and OZ continues to look confused. The camera cuts back to JERRY, who smiles broadly amidst the riotous audience.
JERRY: We’ll be back after these messages….
We cut to a commercial break.
***
The commercials end, and we are taken back to the JERRY SPRINGER studio. The audience are calmer, but chanting ‘Jerry! Jerry!’. On the stage, WILLOW sits next to TARA, both holding each other’s hand, and smiling at each other in a gooey way, Willow’s lipstick smeared across her face. OZ sits next to WILLOW, and XANDER next to him, both still looking mildly shocked. We cut to a close-up of JERRY, who quietens the audience once again.
JERRY: Welcome back. (he scratches
his head) Where are we? Willow came onto the show to ask for her demon
- or rather, werewolf - lover, Oz, back. But her best friend Xander wants Oz
too. Then Willow's lesbian lover, Tara, came on and asked Willow to marry her.
Willow accepted, and they seem quite happy. Which, you would think would mean
that Oz and Xander would be free to have a relationship and we'd all live happily
ever after. But not quite. Let's meet... Joyce!
JOYCE SUMMERS, an attractive woman in her early forties, walks onto the stage
to the surprise of the younger guests. She takes up a seat that has been placed
next to XANDER, and smiles nervously at JERRY.
JERRY: Welcome to the show, Joyce.
JOYCE: Hi, Jerry.
JERRY: Joyce, what's your relationship to everyone here?
JOYCE: Well, my daughter, Buffy, is friends with Willow, Xander and Oz, here.
I don't know about, uh, Tara. They help my daughter kill things.
On screen a caption appears which reads: ‘Joyce – Mother of Xander and Willow’s other best friend, wants love of a good man.’
The AUDIENCE gasp in shock, XANDER, OZ and WILLOW roll their eyes.
JOYCE: (hurriedly) Bad things, I mean. She's the Chosen One, the Vampire Slayer.
XANDER: Like, hello? Secret? You know what one of them is, right?
JERRY: Buffy's the what?
JOYCE opens her mouth to reply, when a man in the audience raises his hand.
The boom microphone swings over to him and he stands up.
MAN: In every generation, there is a Chosen One, ....... she is the Slayer.
JERRY: (uncertain) OK... and you are?
MAN: My name is Rupert Giles, I'm Buffy's Watcher. (off Jerry's look) Her mentor,
if you will. I train her in martial arts and so forth. Research demons, prepare
her for the trials she must face.
JERRY: That's great. (GILES sits down). So, yes, Joyce. What is you want to
say?
JOYCE: Well, two years or so ago I experienced a feeling that, um, was quite
unlike anything I'd ever felt before. A strength of feeling so intense that
I wanted to kill anything that stood between me and what - who I wanted. It's
all a bit hazy now, and the feeling isn’t that intense now, but it made me confront
something I'd tried to keep suppressed for a long time. But... I was still too
scared to say anything.
JERRY: Scared of what?
JOYCE: Rejection, I suppose. Embarrassment. My own inadequacies.... (she trails
off, and sniffs)
JERRY: But you're not scared now?
JOYCE: Oh, yes. But I'm more scared that if I don't say anything now I'll miss
my chance.
JERRY: Joyce, what do you want to tell us?
JOYCE: (turns to XANDER) Xander, honey, I know that whatever you did that day
wasn't intended to attract me. But it did. I wanted you more than any man I've
ever met, even Buffy's father. Even Principal Snyder. But the thing was that
that feeling was already there, just bubbling beneath the surface, and your...
spell only brought it out. Xander, I want you to make me feel like a woman again!
WILLOW & THE AUDIENCE: Yeeew!
XANDER: (white with shock) Oh. My. God.
JERRY: (smirking again) What's your secret Xander?
The AUDIENCE laugh uproariously - JERRY made a funny!
XANDER: Uh, I got a witch to cast a love spell so that my ex-girlfriend would
fall in love with me, only the spell went wrong and every girl in Sunnydale...
WILLOW: (interrupting) And some of the guys!
XANDER: (glares at her, and mumbles something like 'not Oz') ... every girl
*except* Cordelia wanted me. Including Buffy's mom.
JOYCE: Xander, darling, I always wanted you!
AUDIENCE: Go Joyce! Go Joyce! Go Joyce!
XANDER: (mortified, and fumbles his words) Look, Mrs. S., it’s not like you’re
not hot for your age - because you are…
JOYCE is unsure whether to be complimented or insulted.
XANDER: (cont.) …but I’ve just come on this show and declared my love for Oz. Some would say that you’ve got real bad timing.
JOYCE pouts.
JERRY: Speaking of bad timing, and before anyone makes any rash decisions, I think that we’ve got another guest who wants to make a confession.
The AUDIENCE cheer – yet another spanner is about to be thrown into the works.
JERRY: Let’s meet… Angel!
ANGEL, a tall, dark, brooding man walks out onto the stage. He looks petrified, and takes the seat provided for him next to JOYCE, and sits in it, his hands gripping the arms tightly.
JERRY: Hi there, Angel, welcome to the show.
ANGEL: (swallows) Uh, hi.
JERRY: Now, Angel – you’re a vampire, right?
ANGEL: Yeah.
JERRY: And you’ve been responsible for the death of thousands of innocent people during 200 years of evil tyranny?
AUDIENCE: Boo! Bastard! Boo!
ANGEL: Well, yes, but…
Another caption appears: ‘Angel: Evil vampire murderer. Former lover of Joyce’s daughter Buffy’
JERRY: But, (laughs, unconvinced) now you’ve got your soul back, and this means that you’re, what, good?
ANGEL: (brightens a little) Yeah, I try to make up for my past misdeeds.
JERRY: But you’ve never been brought to justice for your crimes?
ANGEL: Well, not by any mortal court…
JERRY: (looks confused) You think *God* has judged you?
ANGEL: (mumbles) I’ve been to Hell.
JERRY: Uh, forgive me for being skeptical, but I always thought that was a one-way journey.
ANGEL: The Powers That Be gave me a reprieve.
XANDER: (chips in) He dropped naked from the sky covered in jello.
Most of the women and some of the men in the AUDIENCE whoop in glee at this thought.
JERRY: (ignoring them) A reprieve, huh. And do you still kill people?
ANGEL: Well, only if they’re demons.
JERRY: (shocked) What gives you the right to judge others – what, it takes one to know one? You don’t have the right…
WILLOW: (interjecting to JERRY’S rant) No, he means *actual* demons.
JERRY: (climbing off his moral high-horse) Oh.
ANGEL: And wasn’t I asked here for another reason?
JERRY: Oh, yeah. You were the love of Joyce’s daughter Buffy’s life, right.
ANGEL: Was, yes.
JERRY: Why’d you split up?
ANGEL: She couldn’t understand me, she was too young, she…
XANDER: (interrupting) Couldn’t have sex with Deadboy here without turning him all evil.
The AUDIENCE give a mixed response, some groan in sympathy (if not quite empathy) others laugh.
ANGEL: (testily) Yes, thank you for that, Xander.
JERRY: But that’s not what you’re here for today?
ANGEL: No. I have something else to say.
JERRY: So, what’s your confession, Angel?
ANGEL: Ever since I split up from Buffy, I’ve been trying to find love again. I know I’ve got to move on, but it’s got to be with someone who understands my curse, who’ll be able to share in my pain because of their own burden. (turns to look down the row of chairs to the small lycanthrope) Oz, I’ve thought about this for a while, and I think that I love you. Please come with me to LA and we’ll grow old together.
The AUDIENCE scream.
WILLOW: Well, *he’ll* grow old…
OZ: Am I, like, emitting some sort of pheromone?
XANDER: Hey! I asked first. Well, ok, second, but I’m next in line!
JERRY: (before anything else can be said) A lot of decisions have to be made here today, but not before one more person had their say. After the break, we’ll meet… Buffy!
All of those on the stage, other than OZ, who remains impassive, adopt an expression of terror. ANGEL moans "Noooooo!" as we fade to a commercial break.
***
The commercials end, and the screen flicks to a view of JERRY SPRINGER, grinning
for all he’s worth. The camera pans to the stage where three scared women, one
scared man, and a scared vampire sit with a calm werewolf. A vacant chair has
been positioned in the middle, between OZ and XANDER. The AUDIENCE are chanting
again.
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Thank you, thank you! Welcome back, everyone. Just to recap on what’s been an amazing show, well… we’ve had Willow and Tara here decide to marry, Willow, Xander, and Angel all declare their love for Oz, and Joyce telling us she wants Xander. And now we’re about to meet the woman who’s really in the middle of it all. Let’s bring on… Buffy!
The AUDIENCE, smelling blood, go mental again and start cheering, shouting and whistling (except GILES who applauds politely). Striding onto the set, face like thunder, is BUFFY, the daughter of JOYCE, friend of WILLOW, XANDER, and OZ and the former love of ANGEL’s life. She angrily sits down in her chair and glares murderously at all around her. We cut to JERRY, and even he seems a little intimidated.
JERRY: Hi, Buffy.
She glares at him.
JERRY: I guess you’ll have something to say about all this…
He trails off and for once the AUDIENCE is silent, waiting with bated breath to see what BUFFY is going to say. Motes in the air drift in front of the beams from the light gantry, and a bead of sweat trickles down XANDER’S temple. The tension could be cut with a knife, spread on crackers and served as an aperatif. Buffy’s hand grips the arm of the chair so hard that she snaps it off, the loud crack shattering the silence.
She turns to ANGEL, pointing the jagged end of what is now effectively a stake at him.
BUFFY: (strained, as if she barely has control of herself) Give me one good reason that I shouldn’t use this on you.
ANGEL: Uh, well, hi, Buffy. I, uh…
BUFFY: You dump me, and now you decide to move on to my friends (she glances at OZ, who shrinks back into his chair) – my male friends. (She turns to WILLOW) And you! When did you stop liking doggies and start wanting (her lip curls) bitches?
WILLOW gasps with shock that her friend would be so nasty.
WILLOW: Buffy! What’s wrong with you? I… I love Tara, can’t you be happy for me?
BUFFY: (holds stake to Willow’s
face in a gesture of rejection) Talk to the stake, coz the Slayer ain't listenin'.
JOYCE: Buffy, you listen here! I did not bring you up so that you could be so downright rude. I…
BUFFY: Mom! Shut up! You’ve just come on national TV and said you loved one of my friends. Do you have any idea how much that wigs me?
JOYCE: Well, Buffy – I don’t care. You evidently don’t care about me.
BUFFY: Hey!
XANDER: C’mon, Buff. You’ve been too busy with soldier-boy to give two figs abut what the rest of us get up to. If it ain’t Riley, what do you care?
JERRY: Riley?
BUFFY: (to XANDER) You shut up!
She swings a punch which sends XANDER tumbling backwards over his seat. JOYCE lets out a yelp of shock and moves to restrain her daughter who lets another vicious backhand to send her mother skittering across the stage. Meanwhile, the SECURITY GUARDS run onto the stage, to surround BUFFY. The AUDIENCE are crazed. ANGEL also tries to wade in, knowing full well that he’s the only one that can possibly overpower her. SECURITY GUARDS are punched, high-kicked and head-butted into submission, and two are actually killed. This leaves ANGEL and BUFFY in a one-on-one. WILLOW and TARA are holding hands and chanting something, their hair drifting ominously. ANGEL attempts to hit BUFFY but his swings are easily blocked. She delivers a bone-cracking punch to his head, and ANGEL is momentarily stunned. She uses this to her full advantage and plants a brutal high-kick in the centre of his chest. The vampire is sent flying across the studio, to hit JERRY, cowering in the AUDIENCE. The force of the kick is such that the presenter is crushed when he gets sandwiched between ANGEL and the vastly obese woman sitting behind where he stood. When ANGEL gets woozily to his feet, JERRY slips, broken and bloodied to the floor. Medics rush to his aid. ANGEL jumps back on to the stage, but stops when WILLOW and TARA suddenly shout in Latin, then send a crackling tendril of magick in BUFFY’S direction. The Slayer turns to fend it off, only for it to stop in front of her and start to form into something else. Everyone stops what they are doing to see what’s happening; OZ is cradling a semi-conscious JOYCE’s head, and XANDER is hiding behind an overturned chair, blood seeping from his nose. WILLOW and TARA, evidently exhausted by their efforts, manage to whisper something in unison.
WILLOW & TARA: Sorry… it was the only way…
There is a blinding flash and where the magick had been now stands RILEY, BUFFY’S latest flame. He wears only a pair of fatigues, and the sight of his naked torso causes BUFFY to stop her rampage. At his appearance, XANDER and OZ groan in despair.
RILEY: What’s going on?
WILLOW: Buffy found out a few things about us all (she indicates XANDER, OZ, JOYCE and ANGEL) She realised that the world didn’t revolve around her, and she got mad. Simple, really.
BUFFY: (pouts) Their lives are empty without me! How come there was so much I didn’t know? What gives them the right to make their own decisions? It’s *my* Scooby Gang, d’you hear? Mine!
RILEY: C’mon, Buffy, you’ve got to let it go. They have their own lives to lead. C’mon, calm down.
She goes all doe-eyed, and BUFFY and RILEY snog. WILLOW and TARA throw up in the corner, and XANDER passes out again, unconsciousness being preferable. The AUDIENCE are still mad, however, and without a leader, JERRY still being given medical help.
The camera suddenly focuses on GILES, still sitting in the audience amidst the mayhem around him. It is then that the producers realise that if GILES had a bigger, blonder mullet, and his glasses were a bit rounder, and he were American he would actually be JERRY SPRINGER. One of them runs onto the studio and whispers urgently into the Englishman’s ear, thrusts a microphone into his hand, then rushes off again. GILES looks uncertainly at the camera.
GILES: Uh, I’ve been asked to take over for Jerry whilst the paramedics attend to him.
AUDIENCE: Giles! Giles! Giles! Giles!
GILES goes red, and takes off his glasses to polish them. He replaces them, and tries to quieten the audience.
GILES: Thank you, you’re very kind. Thank you.
The AUDIENCE settle down, and GILES turns his attention to the stage, where things have settled down. WILLOW and TARA sit next to each other and hold hands. OZ has resumed his seat next to WILLOW, BUFFY next to him sitting on RILEY’s knee. The soldier is whispering sweet nothings to her, although OZ’s wolfy hearing keeps picking up something about getting her some valium. XANDER and JOYCE sit next to them, and the knock on XANDER’s head seems to have changed his point of view, and they now sit staring into each other’s eyes. Finally, ANGEL, nursing some broken ribs, sits brooding at the end. One of the dead SECURITY GUARDS is still lying to one side, his blood pooling on the carpet.
GILES: Well, to get back to the point of the show, there is one question that it appears we haven’t asked: Oz, what, or rather whom, do you want?
OZ: I’m glad someone’s finally asked me that. You see, I liked Will because she was intelligent, different. But she’s taken now, and I think we’ve outgrown one another. (to WILLOW) I’ll always love you, but…
WILLOW: (smiles back at him and squeezes TARA’S hand) I know. I love you too.
OZ: (cont.) and I like Xander because he was brave and strong and witty, but I don’t think we’d work out.
XANDER just looks at JOYCE and shrugs; he doesn’t are any more.
OZ: And I do need someone who’s serious, passionate, and, most importantly, has handcuffs. So most of all I’d like…
ANGEL is on the edge of his seat, the AUDIENCE are holding their breath…
OZ: You, Giles. You’re everything I need in a man!
The smaller man jumps off his seat, runs into the AUDIENCE and grabs the librarian. As GILES and OZ embrace in a deep kiss, WILLOW and TARA recommence their snog. BUFFY has already left the stage, presumably to relieve RILEY of his remaining clothing because that’s all she does now, and XANDER sticks his tongue firmly into JOYCE’s mouth. ANGEL sits, dejectedly, the only one without a partner, then decides to ask WILLOW and TARA if the resurrection of Irish half-demons was possible. The AUDIENCE is whipped up in a frenzy, and several members have spontaneously combusted with excitement. This pandemonium surrounding him, we cut to the battered and bleeding figure of JERRY SPRINGER as he crawls onto his stool, and attempts to give his ‘Final Thought’.
JERRY: The paramedics have said I have only a few minutes to live. So I’d like to say, in my final Final Thought, that love is wherever you find it, and it’s form, whether vampiric, wolverine, mumsy, or witchy, matters not. Although I do have my doubts about cornfed Iowan farmboys. Maybe she’ll see the light next year… (he is pale and sweating now, and his breathing is laboured) Until next time, take care of yourselves… and each other. Goodbye…
The presenter slides of his stool, coughing up a little blood, before he slumps to the floor. His breathing has stopped. The credits roll…
***
Scene: The lobby of the Jerry Springer Show studio. The credits roll across the screen, whilst members of the audience are interviewed for their reactions to the show.
A tall, dark haired girl beams at the camera, pouting occasionally.
GIRL: Hi, my name’s Cordelia Chase, and I’m available for any and all acting, modelling, or promotional work, you can contact me… (is distracted by someone speaking to her off-camera) …all right, all right. (Sighs then speaks woodenly) Yay Jerry. Your show kicks ass. (looks off camera again). Can I go now?
*Fin*